Crazy

The inglorious world of being a widow... where trying to move forward is messy and confusing. Dating and grief are a very odd combination.

I recently made the mistake of picking up a book called “Why Men Love Bitchs.” I was curious, to say the least. Curiosity quickly gave way to shame and a sense of disgust. If being a “bitch” is the game, I am not sure I want to play. Instead of identifying a sense of empowerment, I felt like too much of the wrong things, and not enough of the good. This trope is a painful one for me. Too tall, too smart, too sad. Not enough whimsy.

I think most of us learn our greatest lessons painfully, by experience. Before I met Chris, I learned a valuable lesson in dating from someone who treated me poorly and left me feeling miserable. I promised myself I would never date someone who treated me like an accommodation. Tolerable but not enough.

One of my more vulnerable qualities in dating is that I am too trusting—I naively believe that people say what they mean. Why would anyone possibly wish to swindle me with embellishments? For someone who is reasonably intelligent, I can be pretty stupid at times. I have had several men dupe me, telling me they think communication is really important to a relationship and then follow up with aloofness and passive-aggressive silent treatment. They say they don't want drama, then prove that it's what they thrive upon.

With Chris, I was lucky. He was sincere, his words matched his efforts. Falling in love was a reckless whirlwind. Was I annoying and probably too needy at times, absolutely. But I was also kind and genuine, I treated him with respect. Chris showed me the same. We had our disagreements. I did not have to agree with Chris all the time or constantly appease his ego—he actually enjoyed pushing my buttons. I think he loved me for my passion and conviction. I did not have to be someone else to be valued. I didn’t have to tamp down my kindness or affection, hold back on my opinions or concerns, to be appreciated. I had my boundaries but I did not feel a need to hold myself back either.

On a fundamental level, I believe “Why Men Love Bitchs” is trying to highlight the importance of having solid boundaries. Not every guy is a good guy you can recklessly fall for. To a certain extent, it encourages women to set limits and not over-accommodate. Admirable points.

What I find disturbing about the book, and dating culture in general, is that it assigns women the responsibility of being “perfect” in order to get the guy. Be cool. Don’t talk about your bad days. Don’t overtly challenge your partner lest his ego should crumble. Be subtle in order to get your way. If you are generous, don’t be… he’ll come to expect it. Set the tone early by holding back who you are. Basically: do not have needs because it is unacceptable for a man to experience your humanity. I think this notion is degrading to both men and women.

The book also perpetuates an impossible standard for women: don’t be needy, but show him he is needed. In others words, be able to fulfill your own emotional needs, but don’t be self-sufficient enough to take out the trash, change a flat tire, or remove a spider from your home. Be unable to sustain yourself in practical ways, but practice self-efficacy. Someone needs to brush up on Maslow’s Hierarchy.

I believe we teach people how to treat us—both in action and through feedback. Show compassion if you wish to receive it. If something is not working, the easiest course is to say it. Ask for what matters. Or so I thought. Apparently open communication is needy. It’s far better to be manipulative, indirectly state what you want so the other person thinks it’s his/her idea. Or, if you are a man, you get to be passive-aggressive, let the frustration build to boiling temperature and then blame your partner for not being able to read your mind or appropriately understand your avoidant behavior. And then call her crazy for feeling confused and angry.

Frankly, It’s privileged bull shit. I’ve watched men who complain about the “everyone gets a trophy” mentality turn into entitled, offended whiners who unravel when challenged—It’s all fun and games until it isn’t their way.

I fear we are too culturally complicit in saying that relationships should work according to a man’s game only-- however dysfunctional that game may be. According to the book, it’s in a man’s nature to be competitive, once he feels he has a woman, he will subsequently become disinterested. And that becomes the woman’s problem.  It is the woman’s responsibility to remain a constant enigma and keep him captivated. (Sounds a little like the logic that says it’s a woman’s responsibility to not get herself raped?)

What happened to a sense of mutual responsibility? Women are told to take a page from the man’s playbook in order to gain a successful relationship: be aloof, make it a competition, keep him guessing. Perhaps I am missing the part where secrecy and scarcity build intimacy and vulnerability? And yet, dominant cultural guidelines tell men that vulnerability is unacceptable, emasculating. How demeaning. I watch how that cultural myth has literally broken men in my office.

I think there is strength in how women relate to one another. We do not build friendships through competition and aloofness, we build lasting connection through compassion and giving. We’ve been given the privilege of being able to express emotion to a greater extent than our male partners. But we’ve also been taught that nurturing means taking on the lion’s share of responsibility. Research in human development suggests that women develop both cognitively and ethically within the context of relationships (see Gilligan, Belenky, et al). While these theories do not encapsulate every woman per se, they highlight the powerful context of community. Our goodness/morality are often defined in terms of our relationships and service to others.

So where is the middle ground? Women are supposed to unlearn a lifetime of acculturation to earn the heart of a man by accommodating patriarchal mores? Am I hallucinating to think that perhaps both parties have something to gain from seeking a happy medium? And that maybe femininity offers some valuable insight into connected, meaningful relationships? (I realize I am speaking in vastly heteronormative terms right now. This is the experience I know.)

What happened to the idea that two people with unique perspectives and talents create a team? Where the real magic is being able to meet a challenge and stand together at the end of it. Like putting together IKEA furniture. Or having that first vulnerable disagreement. I feel like the courage to really engage is lacking in the dating pool I am now encountering. It’s maddening.

In my confusion, I read a book that turns out to be a manual in the many ways I am completely unworthy of finding a partner (in part because I carry this insane notion that being kind and nice is important to me). I am unworthy because I cook meals for people, and foolishly offer compassion because I am far from perfect and hope at some point to receive some grace myself.

At the end of the day, I am left confused. I feel like I am wrong to want to want a Chapter Two. 

Maybe that is greedy, or makes me selfish. Frankly, it is heartbreaking to always be the odd person out. To be the single rider at family functions, where everyone else has their little piece of a family.

It would be nice to rest in the comfort of knowing that if I died in my sleep, someone would prevent Schrodie from starving (I worry about these things). It would be lovely to count on someone to walk Schrodie when I am too sick to stand up—because that is a very real part of being alone.

Maybe I am not “whole enough” for wanting a partnership—but there are ways that going it alone just doesn’t work. Can I do it? Sure. Being a military spouse guarantees ample alone time and independence. I’ve got that part nailed down. But all of it feels like so much less after having gained so much before.

I am probably wrong for feeling hurt and angry—I suppose it’s my own sense of entitlement that brings me down. I am choosy. I want the full package-- after Chris, how do I settle for less? But you don’t get the full package when you are damaged goods.

In the end, I’d rather be me and single. Lonely and painful as it might be. Even nice girls can be bitches when pushed too far. If that makes me crazy, I’ll take my straight jacket in a small, extra length in the sleeves.

(For the record, I realize I am writing in broad generalizations, there are plenty of good men in this world. Most of those men have already found love and are happily yoked to incredible woman.  What is hurtful is navigating a dating culture that encourages narcissism in men and inherently gaslights women in the process.)