The price of guilt

At some point I will probably write at length about the complexity and absurdity of survivor’s guilt… at least from my perspective. For now, I will focus on one facet that has me feeling off kilter as I plan my move.

Today I almost broke down in the USAA branch office Fortunately, I made it to the sanctuary of my car before the deluge. I have embraced the waves of grief, but didn't think the office was the best place to melt down-- I find it scares people and I feel awkward enough as it stands.

My dilemma: I am contemplating purchasing a home while I attend graduate school. The house hunt has been overwhelming, compounded by a huge sense of guilt. The only reason I am even able to purchase a house is because my husband is dead. Instead of the excitement that should come with a new home, I almost loathe the prospect of finding a house because of the ultimate expense at which it has come. 

This is an experience I should be sharing with Chris, rather than something I must do because he is not here. I feel guilty for the stability he has given me in death. While I am grateful that I do not have to stress about living expenses while I attend school, I would rather have the stability I found in Chris. It doesn’t seem right to have any sense of stability without him here. 

I remember when he bought the house in Georgia, how excited he was to show me the open floor plan, the screened-in porch. Those were his must-haves. Turned out, the grill worked pretty well for his home brewing too. While we were both ready for a change when we moved, I was sad to sell that house because of all the memories we shared there. After that experience, we said the next home we owned would be our forever home. 

And now here I am, possibly buying a house that we will never share. It is overwhelming-- I keep wanting to ask Chris questions that he can’t answer. I want his reassurance, but it isn’t there to give. He was always better at the financial big picture. I stress too much over the details. 

I have read that some widows call survivor benefits blood money. I can see where that is true. My future was wiped from the earth the night Chris died. Money can’t give that back to me. I am stuck between a place of not wanting the future I am facing and feeling a need to be responsible with what I am given. On both sides I feel guilt, for trying to move forward, and for being scared that I won’t do enough to honor Chris.

And I feel guilty for sounding ungrateful. That is the mess I am dealing with as I try to start over. But feelings are rarely as neat as I try to make them.